Where Angels go

My Nanna passed away the early hours of Saturday morning. I knew it was coming because I had talked to my family the previous day, so all through the night I kept checking my phone for updates. At 3am I heard from my sister that she had passed away. She put up a good fight, but it became too much for her. It doesn't matter how much you prepare for something like that - its still heartbreaking and sad. I didn't go back to sleep - I think I talked to my sister for along time and then I just laid there thinking - what happens to her now.

I have some traditional views and nontraditional views on what happens next. Most people know that I am not overly religious and I don't go to church on a regular basis................... but I still have beliefs. I believe that my nanna is in a better place now, somewhere where bad things don't happen and she can be carefree and happy without a worry in the world. I believe that she is somewhere magical. I say this, because I was raised to believe and see in the magic around us. My family, especially my mum did an amazing job of encouraging us to believe is something. I remember when  I was really young I used to walk around the house or wherever proudly showing people the fairies. I had fairies that I would carry in my hands and show them to people. Other people of course could not see these fairies, but they would engage in this and ask me questions and I would describe in remarkable details what the fairies were like. I think it was my nanna that asked me one day what kind of shoes they had on - I was surprised and replied that "Fairies don't wear shoes"!! of course they don't ;)!!!!.

Then one day I stopped chatting about these fairies and I was asked why............... my reply - "because another little girl needed them more than me and so I let them go". I remember I loved those fairies though, and I still believe that they exist, I just don't think they can be seen by everyone, because people believe in different things. After the fairies came Caroline, and the weird thing is, Jesse prompted me to remember her just the other night when he asked me if Caroline could be an option for our baby girl. My immediate reaction was a firm 'No'. However, it wasn't because I don't like that name. Its a beautiful name - sweet sweet Caroline. But....... Caroline was my pretend friend and I told Jesse I wasn't sure she would like that! Whaaaat  I hear some of you gasp, but Jesse just kind of looked at me funny, asked me some questions and accepted it! he accepts it because after our years together I think we have learned to respect and understand each others beliefs.

Anyway, back to Caroline............. I think Caroline was around till I was 6, maybe younger, maybe older, but I remember her............ and I know my family do too and they never tried to stop it or laugh at it because it was another chance for me to believe in something magical. It didn't stop, I believed in Santa till  I was 13, and actually I still do! I hold onto these memories dearly and I know I will forever, because they have memories of my nanna in them. She was good at encouraging them and playing a long with them, probably because she believed in them too. I think some people would be embarrassed to say they believed in the story that Santa flew through the sky with reindeer's to deliver gifts till they were 13, but I never felt that way. If I ever questioned it, they always had such wonderful stories about why it exists if you believe in your heart that it does. I know I will raise my little girl this way, I want her to experience the magic of believing in something and I will let it be her choice what that may be when she is old enough.

My point to all of this is that I believe when my nanna passed away that she went with the angels and the fairies and maybe even sweet sweet Caroline. I believe this because if she is, then she is in the most wonderful place that exists and then thats ok with me.

One Christmas Day - playing with the balloons - I am pretty sure my brother and sisters were dressing her up with them, and she just played along! Always laughing,

Always smiling